Pain and Magic and Me — Ryan Condon

Today's Soundtrack: https://open.spotify.com/track/0qGEFPVwq5NMah8QFbVMkm?si=eae467fa3cf84e9c

I've said before that a large part of what I attribute to my recent Magic success is my chronic pain and what it's taught me about perseverance through difficult physical and mental experiences - I've wanted to write things that explain what the day-to-day experience in my body is like before, but it's a very difficult task. I know this because you couldn't have explained chronic pain to me before I had it, and honestly, I'm not sure how much I understand what it would be like not to have it now.

This week, instead of the normal MTG content, I felt like putting together a stream-of-consciousness account of a what a pretty typical day looks like for me, one where I'm intentionally attending to and managing my pain. Some days are more Magic-focused, some are more pain-focused, and some are other-life-things focused, but usually it's some kind of balance between all 3. I'd love to hear from anyone what this felt like to read for them -- Is it boring? Relatable? Reflective of a typical day for you, minus the pain? Incredibly foreign?

A couple of things to note that there weren't natural places for including in the main section:

About a year and a half ago, I slowly weaned off the anti-seizure medication I'd been on that had been prescribed by a neurologist to help with the pain, which he'd diagnosed as Fibromiyalgia. This, while difficult, helped tremendously. What you're reading is a typical day *now, where I'd describe my pain as being roughly 60-80% better than it was at its worst points.*

Learning to use the word disability for my pain was a tremendously helpful step when coming to terms with how to deal with it. My disability is invisible to most people, so I have to talk about it and show people what it's like if I want them to know. If anyone relates to this experience, even for reasons other than pain, I'm always open to talking privately about what disability means to me and why I find it a helpful term.

I held down a full-time (remote) job for 3 years after my pain started, and left it voluntarily to pursue Magic at the beginning of this year. I have a lot of anxiety about what the future of my career will look like and what my next steps are going to be after Worlds, but I know I'll figure it out because I've been through much worse, and consistently found success in whatever I've pursued. Taking care of myself is the part I'm still working on.

With love and solidarity with anyone who's had, is having, or will have this kind of experience,

Ryan ❤️

The first sensation that permeates my consciousness most days is my head aching. It's not very easy anymore to distinguish between this and tiredness, but I imagine it's my body's new way of signaling tiredness.

Why it signals it early in the morning after I've been sleeping for hours, loud enough to wake me up, I don't know.

It's not my job to know, I just have to experience it and, for most of the day, decide what to do about it.

The first few times I try to let it wash over me without bringing me to full awareness. I know this is important and I've tried to make it my first instinct so that I can sleep longer.

Today I'm pretty successful as far as I can remember, as I finally start to feel awake enough that I can't ignore the pain anymore, I remember multiple efforts to stay resting. Hopefully this means it's at least 8. My neck hurts. I check my phone.

7:04.

Clockwork.

My body's been waking me up at almost exactly 7am for the past few months, despite me having no reason to be awake that early and a lot of reasons to want to get more rest than the 6-7 hours a night that I manage (I'm grateful I'm at least getting this much).

This hasn't been working recently, but I'm occasionally able to fall back asleep. The steps usually go like this:

Get up, move a little bit, pee, lie back down and readjust my position

Scroll for a few minutes on my phone to distract myself long enough from the neck pain that it quiets down a little (hopefully, if I've chosen my position right)

Find the airpod I fell asleep on, put it back in the charging case and pull out the other one. Put on a podcast that will be something to pay attention to besides my body, hopefully long enough that I start to drift off again

Put the phone away and promise to not pick it up until I've fallen asleep again or want to get up

There are multiple possible failure points in this process. I could feel too awake after getting up, not find a good enough position to quiet down the pain, scroll on my phone for too long, fail at not checking it again (usually this happens when I'm too engaged in the podcast and it gives me an idea, or I remember a conversation I was having last night and I want to check if the other person said anything else).

Today, Sunday, my main goal is to take care of myself and get the pain baseline down so I can be ready for the week.

I was at an RCQ yesterday that required a lot of travel, and usually I need at least one recovery day to account for a tournament day - It was a last minute decision to go, Mora and I were both feeling a weekend without a tournament, but we had a chance to meet my Worlds teammate Nicole and try and help our friend Evan get his DC spot.

Even though we all scrubbed out, it was a good decision. Still, now today my pain's going to be bad, and I need to spend the day managing it down.

Sleeping in would be a great start for a pain management day, but sadly it's not in the cards. I end up lying there with my eyes closed listening to a podcast for about 20 minutes, picking up my phone with the intention to get up, scrolling for a while, and finally mustering the will to get up at around 8:15.

I walk into the kitchen, feed the cats, put a bagel in the toaster, and go grab my computer. The plan is to not play much Magic today, but I want something to do during breakfast and there is a Qualifier play-in happening. It's best-of-1, and I tried a run yesterday with this reanimator deck that felt strong and can win on turn 2, so the games will be quick.

I'm 3-1 after breakfast, so I go back to my desk and keep playing. My neck hurts, so I try to lean back in my chair instead of hunching forward. Mull to 5, keep a 1-lander, don't get there. Man, the deck still feels really good.

My neck hurts. Let's go for another run.

I start out 2-0, but run into a deck full of counterspells and a mirror where they're on the play, I mull to 5, and they easily get there first.

My neck hurts.

Time to stop playing Magic, that's not the goal for today.

Recovery days are tricky to execute. It's not as simple as taking a day 'off' - I have to hit the right balance.

Lay in bed all day watching TV or scrolling on my phone, and the pain won't get any better.

Try to do something social or overly exertive, and it might get worse.

The best activities involve being active in my apartment, off screens, but intellectually engaged, with time to rest. Incorporating a low-energy trip outside is also a good idea, and a nap too.

A good way to start off is my typical morning routine: a 20-minute walk around the block and a strength training exercise. I pop in a podcast and head out into the sweltering 90-degree heat.

My walks are always enjoyable, because they get my body moving, slightly elevate my heart rate (I walk fast), and let me hold my head straight up / neck back, which helps with the pain. Still, it's so hot out that by the time I return, I'm sweaty and tired and glad to be back in my air conditioned apartment.

It's not always clear when I should do my exercises.

Sometimes when I'm tired and in pain, I do them and my body feels newly strong and capable, the pain signals quieting down for a while.

This is the result most of the time, but sometimes I just end up more sore and wishing I'd saved it for a better time in the day.

Most of the time, "good" exercises come after feeling exhausted from inactivity, and bad exercise comes after feeling exhausted from activity, so I decide that I'm going to save my workout for later, since this tiredness is 'activity tiredness'.

I lie back down in bed and scroll on my phone for 10 minutes or so, to quiet things down and pool up enough energy to get started with my planned activity for today.

The plan for today is to do some reorganization/Marie Kondo-ing of my clothes, and possibly go shopping for some new shirts, time and energy permitting. Home-based, screen-free, semi-active, able to pause to rest at any point. It's the rare perfect recovery day activity, so I'm actually pretty excited to get started.

Around 45 minutes in, I start to feel the pain digging in more strongly. I've been going through items one-by-one and trying them on to see if they still fit well, and putting things in piles around my room. Piles on the bed are for keeping, piles on the floor are for donating.

I'm about 2/3 of the way through, but my body's telling me to rest, and I should listen to it - so I lay down and scroll a little, before putting the phone away and turning to my book.

I'm reading Unmasking Autism, a popular self-help style book by an autistic social psychologist that I'd heard good things about for a while. My probable/somewhere-on-the-spectrum autism is one of the things I'm trying to use this time when I'm not working to learn about and figure out how it relates to my life and experiences, especially my pain.

Reading is also one of the best activities for my pain, since I can do it while lying down and it doesn't require me to strain my neck to look at a screen. I usually hold the book high up & close to my face, with a pillow to support my arms so they don't get strained.

I only realize most people can hold a book up without their arms getting immediately sore if I consciously reflect on it. It feels like my arms are no longer a big part of my pain, since they used to be the center of it, but are now mostly functional, and my neck is the center instead.

The chapter I'm reading today is about cultivating relationships that allow for more authentic autistic self-expression, and partway through there is a "values-based integration" exercise that asks me to consider questions like...

What am I doing right now? (How are you spending your time every day?)

What matches my values and brings me joy?

What are the reoccurring themes in my day-to-day activities?

What could you let go of that isn't yours?

There's some useful reflection to do here, but the first place my brain goes to for all of these is that I'm doing the best I can right now and I'd need to be in less pain to act on any of the answers to these.

I spend most of my days currently playing Magic, talking to loved ones, consuming art that is intellectually stimulating to me, and managing my pain.

The last one doesn't really match my values, so I would love to let go of it, wouldn't that be great!

In some ways, the pain reprocessing therapy I've been doing for the past few months is all about how pain is bio-psycho-social and "letting go of" trying to solve it can actually be helpful.

But it's not as simple as just giving up and not doing things to manage it. I still have to listen to my body, take care of myself, and not push myself too hard.

The times when I try to "let go" and just live my life without holding myself back from activities that would make the pain worse, it only gets worse, shockingly.

Conscious self-care and slowing down works. It's also just tedious and effortful and it doesn't 'fix' anything.

It helps and it works, so I do it, and I keep living this effortful, low-activity existence.

Anyways, I finish the chapter and now have enough energy to resume vertical activities.

I realize though that I'm hungry and it's about an hour past when I'd normally eat lunch, so that should happen first.

Lunch gets made, I sit down & see a discord message from Ollie, one of my VML teammates asking my opinion on a sealed pool for a qualifier play-in they accidentally joined.

There's a sealed version of the play-in happening too?? Well, I've gotta take at least take a shot at that.

I'm playing Magic like it's my job right now, I should be trying to play in every qualifier weekend. Nothing better to do during lunch anyways.

I don't get the Eldrazi pool, but it's not a bad one. The deck feels good enough to get there with lucky draws, but the draws are slightly unlucky and I end up 2-2 (again after starting 2-0, brutal).

I see Ollie's pool and it's way better. I make a few adjustments and send them what I'd build.

My neck hurts.

I lie down and scroll for a bit to recharge.

Feeling better - back to the main event!

Cleaning out my space and my clothes feels really good.

I've been wanting to do this for a while, and feeling a bit guilty that I hadn't gotten around to it, given that I'm "not doing anything else right now" (a phrase that never seems quite true, but I find myself repeating to friends a lot).

I finish going through the dresser, vaccum my room a bit, clean the litterbox, and take a quick scan through my closet & the living room for other clothing/bedding items that aren't being used & can be given away to de-clutter.

I'm left with some bags for donation and a neck that hurts.

I realize I should also do my laundry today, and once I'm reminded of that regular weekend chore, I remember I should probably go grocery shopping too.

My neck still hurts, but it makes more sense to start the laundry before resting, so I do that and mentally set a 25-minute timer to get up from my bed and go downstairs to move clothes to the dryer before taking the bags over to the donation bins.

I rest, I find the will to get up.

I grab the bags, carry them down to the building lobby, set them down, go to the basement, change my laundry, come back up, and head back out into the (now even more sweltering) heat.

Luckily, we have clothes donation bins only a couple blocks away, so the walk is only 5-10 minutes long. Still, carrying multiple bags of clothes + pillows in the hot, humid NYC summer, even for 5 minutes, is an activity that is going to require recovery.

Exhausted and sweaty, I return to the lovely embrace of air conditioning, and, you guessed it, plop down to rest.

I remember about halfway through resting time that it's probably been at least 45 minutes since I started the laundry, but I try to listen to my body and don't get up until it's ready to move again.

I go down to pick up the laundry, but the dryers in our building absolutely suck, and more than half the time you need 2 full "heavy duty" cycles for a normal load of clothes to not be damp afterwards. This time is no exception, so I just start a new cycle and head back upstairs.

I notice it's time to take out the trash & recycling, so I do that.

It's about 5pm at this point, and my neck hurts.

It's been long enough since I slept that the pain is starting to be louder and less able to be tamed by just lying down.

I briefly consider leaving to go shopping for some new shirts, but remember what the goal of today is.

Listen to my body, recovery day.

It's time for my exercises, to raise the volume in the other parts of my body, and tire myself out enough to hopefully be able to fall asleep before the pain takes its place at the forefront again.

A nap should be enough to reset things for the evening.

These are the exercises I do every day.

They might not seem like a lot to some people, but isometric stuff can be deceptive - I usually am sweating enough to take a shower afterwards, even in the winter.

I've been doing them almost every day for over 2 years now, after a doctor suggested them during a period where my lower back was the center of my pain.

They were incredibly difficult at first, but after I was done, the pain would usually be better, and over time, my back started feeling way better.

This is the only physiological intervention that has ever shifted my pain in a noticeable way over a long period of time.

I had been hoping the improvement would continue over the multi-year timeframe and the pain would slowly get better the more I built strength, but I'm starting to doubt that at this point.

The exercises may just now be maintenance. Things definitely start to get worse if I don't do them for a week.

It's draining to get myself up for doing them every day, but like I said, they usually make me feel a lot better for at least some time after, and I've recently found they're a great catalyst for a nap.

I wake up somewhat groggily, but feeling much better, at around 5:45.

Time for dinner.

I put on some water to boil, feed the cats, and think about what I want to do during dinner time. I probably shouldn't play any more Magic today, since it tends to make the pain worse.

So I scroll through subscription services on the TV before remembering I was in the middle of HBO's Girls, and really liking it, when the Elden Ring DLC came out and outcompeted all other media consumption for the last couple of weeks.

I finish eating and cleaning dishes about halfway through the episode, and remember I should go get my laundry. Pause the episode, go downstairs to get the laundry, fold laundry while watching the rest of it.

My neck hurts again, which is what folding laundry instead of lying down while watching TV will do, but it's not that bad thanks to the nap.

I lie down for a bit and text my sister about the episode, since Girls is one of her favorite shows. It's been a great way to connect with her.

This reminds me that Sundays are usually when I call my parents, so I text to see if they're around. Plan if they are is to go out on a walk while I talk to them so I can move a little bit, rest my neck, get some more exercise, then end up at the grocery store. They're free immediately, so that's what I do.

I make sure to walk far enough out of the way that we finish talking before I get to the store, because it's overwhelming for me to talk on the phone while trying to remember what groceries I need.

Sensory processing, autism, something something.

Mora has also asked me to pick something up, and I want to remember so I don't come off as a rude roommate.

ADHD, something something.

Getting back from the store, my neck doesn't hurt that much, I'm just a bit tired from the walk + errand.

I say "not that much" because my neck always hurts, but it's not a My Neck Hurts moment.

It's about 8:30.

A couple episodes of Girls to rest, some more reading, and bed sounds like a pretty good way to end the night.

I end up checking my phone during the episode, find out Ollie won their sealed play-in, and think oh I'd love to play some sealed while watching TV!

This may not be the most restful thing, but I'm feeling okay pain-wise and it's best not to be a tyrant when it comes to the self-care, that usually undermines the 'care' part.

Unfortunately, Arena won't let me buy gems, so I send out a tweet asking if anyone knows how to get around this bug, and lie back down to watch TV. But I end up checking to see if anyone's replied, and scrolling while watching, which ends up making both activities not as enjoyable as they could be.

I start texting with my friend Kara, who is in Paramedic school right now and insanely busy.

We chatted for 5 minutes a few weeks ago but didn't really check in, so I try to make sure this time we actually get updates about each others' lives.

I love Kara but haven't seen her much in the past year because she's been in school, so it's nice to catch up. She's one of the friends I can let out a bit of silliness with, and those are extremely few and far between (my best friend Joe is the only other one that comes to mind).

An episode's ending, and I notice it's already 11.

My neck hurts.

I've been hunched over my phone for a while.

Kara and I are still mid-conversation, but I get up and walk around the apartment while finishing it up.

She wants to know about Worlds preparation and whether she can watch and support me despite knowing nothing about Magic, so I send voice notes to explain the difference between standard and draft, what a rotation is, and promise I'll show her where to watch on twitch when the time comes.

Kara needs to go to bed, and so do I.

It's almost midnight, but my pain is still loud enough that it's not going to be easy to go to sleep.

Instead, I should give myself some time to wind down and do my new nightly routine.

Giving a round of grudgingly accepted kisses to the cats, brushing my teeth, and sitting down to meditate in the comfy chair in the living room.

This is the third time I've done Headspace's 30-day "pain management" course, and it's always been a mixed bag in terms of helpfulness.

I recently tried out the "coping with cancer" course instead, and that was a lot more helpful, something I mostly find funny but also a bit interesting.

I've been meditating since college, well before my pain, but recently I've been noticing more how much it helps slow my body down and turn down the volume.

Stop,

Sit.

Breathe.

So yesterday we started looking at this idea of sort of sinking so far down into the pain that we're not really separate from it.

And that's not necessarily an easy kind of concept to get our heads around, but as an experience, it's very real.

If we imagine that we are so much part of the sensation that there's almost not room for us to be thinking about it,

So there's no sense of, I like this, I don't like this, it's comfortable, it's uncomfortable,

There is simply This, our awareness is centered so utterly, so completely on this sensation, that in that moment nothing else exists.

And because of that, we've kind of completely gone beyond any kind of relationship we've ever had with the sensation, we're in a completely new place altogether.

Again, we don't wanna force it, we don't wanna try to manufacture that feeling, we're simply allowing that space to arise in the mind.

Right now though, just setting yourself up in the usual way.

And when you're ready, with the eyes open, just taking some nice big, deep breaths.

Deep breaths. Let go. Allow yourself to feel it.